Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

 It was a terrifying moment. I remember exactly where I was. I can clearly see the room around me in my memory. I was about to do something that could potentially rock my world, but I knew that it had to be done. The consequences of not following through outweighed the risk of taking the plunge, so I did it. I prayed Psalm 139:23-24 and meant it! “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

I had begun to ask God to show me who I really was. It was like setting out to cross a rickety bridge. It didn’t look safe, but it was the only way to get to the other side. Reaching my goal required absolute honesty. The destination was more important than safety. I knew that to become the person that God wanted me to be I had to be willing to give up the comfort of staying the same. I had to risk Him showing me faults and patterns that I didn’t want to see so that I could move forward. I took the risk of praying the prayer. Then, I prepared myself for the awful things that I was sure God would reveal to me. I steeled myself against the pain of self-revelation. I imagined the worst.

But it never happened the way that I imagined it. I can’t say that I had “aha” moments of personal agony as God revealed the weakness and wickedness in my heart. They were more like “yuck” moments. I would be writing in my journal and recognize a selfish motive pouring onto the page. Yuck! That was followed by an immediate prayer of repentance and a request for God’s help. And then I moved on. Until the next “yuck” moment came and went in similar fashion.

What I feared wasn’t really the discovery of my own faults and failures. I already knew they were there. I feared that in the revealing of them, I would feel shame, discouragement, destruction. But we are talking about a loving Heavenly Father here. That is not His mode of operation. His revelations have always been full of the love and gentleness that Scripture ascribes to His character. Even in the “yuck” moments, there has been a recognition of His desire to reveal Himself to me more than to reveal myself to me. The revelation of myself has been a pathway to knowing Him. I have found that the rickety bridge is solid and secure. And not only that, He has been my companion and guide as I have crossed it. It’s a long, slow crossing, but it is worth it. I have learned to enjoy His presence and let Him guide me through the course corrections necessary to reach the other side.

None of us like to see the truth of our own inadequacies. We like to think that we are enough to face life on our own, Without the need for God’s constant assistance. But we aren’t. We pray to know Him better but reject the methods He chooses to help us get there. Here is what my experience has taught me: Knowing myself leads me to knowing God. I can’t realize how much I need Him until I admit how weak I am. I can’t experience His strength until I give up my own efforts. I can’t allow the Holy Spirit to produce His fruit of love, joy, and peace in me until I acknowledge that the natural fruit of my life is selfishness, fear, turbulence, and trouble. Without Him, I am simply a mess. I know it...now.

Dear Friend, I don’t know where you are when it comes to crossing the rickety bridge of self-understanding. You may be standing on the other side watching the wind cause it to sway back and forth. It looks dangerous. It IS dangerous because you are risking your sense of comfort and self-sufficiency. However, if your goal is Christ-like character and knowing Him better, it’s the only route to take. Take the first step and you will find that you aren’t alone and exposed. He will be with you every step of the way.

Maybe you’ve taken a few steps out onto the bridge and have felt it sway under your feet. Your world has been rocked as you have begun to truly understand the person you are without God. You may be tempted to turn back and beg for an easier route. “God, isn’t there an easier way to know You!” Don’t turn back. Keep taking the steps that He shows you. Ask Him to make you more aware of His presence guiding you across. You won't regret it. What you leave behind, what falls off the bridge into the chasm below, won’t be anything that you really wanted to keep. What you receive, His presence, His character, a deeper understanding of just how much you need Him, will be more than worth the risk.

Key Question: Do I know who I am without Jesus?

 A Scripture to Consider: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

 A YES Challenge: Take the risk of praying Psalm 139:23-24 and mean it. Allow God to lead you across the bridge of self-knowledge.

 Prayer: Father, here’s the truth: I am comfortable where I am. I don’t really want to move forward. But there is a gnawing inside me. I want You more. If the only way to really know You is to let You show me myself, then I want to follow that path. I want to cross that bridge. Please give me the courage I need to face me so that I can know You. Amen.

 Repost from 2017