I'm not usually one to panic. I'm usually the steady one. So what happened?!
Tom and I were on a cruise to celebrate our thirtieth anniversary. I know, a cruise sounds luxurious, but this was the first time we had ever experienced seas so rough that it was sometimes frightening. Not only that, the motion was making Tom feel so sick that much of the time all he was up to doing was lying in our cabin to rest or watch movies. This morning Tom was hoping to feel better so we decided to leave the cabin for a while and let the steward attend to it. I had to finish something, so Tom went ahead of me up to the relatively quiet lounge with a panoramic ocean view where we expected to find a place to read for a while. When I went up to the lounge a few minutes later, I couldn't find him.
"If he was going to go somewhere else shouldn't he have come back and told me?" I grumbled inside. Where was he? A bench in the hall near our cabin was a good place to wait for Tom to pass by me on his way back to explain the change of plans, so I settled in and did some reading. Another check of my watch. Maybe I missed him? I headed back to the freshly cleaned cabin. Empty. What now? I waited while the ship tossed and the clock ticked. No cell service at sea. How could I get in touch with him? How could I find him? The ship was big enough that we could easily miss each other. I retraced my steps to the lounge where we had planned to meet. He was definitely not there. How about downstairs to the gallery lounge that we had hung out in previously? Didn't see him there. Back to the cabin to wait. Not there.
All this time, I was praying, but the longer this unknowing lasted the more I could feel panic rising in me. It didn't make sense. My rational mind knew that Tom was probably fine, even though I hadn't heard from him for a couple hours, but I couldn't relax and emotion was taking over. I knew panic wasn't going to help me, but there it was and I didn't know what to do about it. My prayers became tearful and pleading. "God, I just need to know that he's okay. Show me where he is. Help me stop panicking!" The cabin stayed silent and my heart continued to rock with the ship.
"God, I just need to know what is going on. I need some information so that I know what to do," I finally prayed. This prayer was different. Less panicked. More resolved. A few moments later Tom called the cabin. The ocean view had made him feel worse so he had moved to the gallery lounge, but had not felt able to get up and call me until then. I had missed him when I had looked there. Now, I knew what to do. Down to the gallery lounge I went. The unknowing resolved.
What was that all about? It's confused me for a while, but I think I understand now. What I wanted was to know the whole picture. You know what I mean, "I can endure this as long as I know what's happening." I wanted to know WHY. But I didn't and as long as that was my internal demand, I was undone. What made that last prayer different? I was no longer craving the overview in order to resolve myself. I just asked for the next step. Not WHY, but WHAT. Is that what God was waiting for?
Sometimes my desire to know why is really a desire to control. If I just knew... how this was going to resolve, then I could endure. If I just knew why this was happening I would be at peace. If I just knew... I guess the posture I need to take is "I just need enough information to know what to do next and I will trust You for the rest of it." Sometimes the question to ask is not "Why" but "What".
Key thought: To give God your YES may be to ask "What" instead of "Why".
A Scripture to consider:
When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. Psalm 142:3 NIV
A YES challenge: Are you asking God "Why"? How could you change your question to "What"?
Prayer:
Father, I want to trust You. It seems easier to trust you when I understand why things are happening, but I know that You often don't give me that explanation. Help me to trust You for the outcome. What is the next step for me today? Amen.