Those little annoyance. The dishes in the sink. The lights left on. The TV too loud. The food set aside for dinner eaten for snack. Those little things often seem big. Put a few of those things together and they seem HUGE! They stir up emotion. Emotion you didn't realize was right below the surface. What’s your reaction?
Sometimes those emotions spill over into words that you wish you could take back, actions you wish you could undo. You find yourself hurting someone you love. It isn’t what you intended to do. It isn’t what you wanted to do. Now it’s done and all you can do is try to clean up the emotional mess. You apologize. You try to repair what’s been broken. But as you do, you are asking yourself, “Why do I keep doing this? How can I stop? What can I do differently?” Somehow, no one has ever taught you and me how to deal with these daily occurrences. You would think that something so common to all of us would be a part of common core curriculum! How do you deal with the little annoyances that become big issues?
Our current quarantine may seem like a prison if these things are not being dealt with graciously at your house. Let’s be honest, if you do not know how to deal with things like daily disturbances well, your kids don’t learn either because you haven’t taught them. They bicker and quarrel and maybe even fight. They wrestle and yell. Is that the way you handle it?
Growing up most of us were given no skills for negotiation or expression of differences in a gracious way. My parents had not been taught, so how could they teach me and my siblings? Conflict erupted in harsh words at high volume. Emotions were expressed, but only under pressure. Most of the time they just simmered. Once the kettle boiled into a shout, the pressure was released, but there was not usually any further conversation. It all just blew over, so t to speak. No working it out. No resolution. No negotiation. No closure. What about you?
What if there was a way that you could express your annoyance graciously and not let the tension boil over? What if I gave you some words to use that could avoid annoyances building into a steaming, screaming kettle?
First, let me not take credit for this. The Emotionally Healthy Discipleship Course was developed by Pete and Geri Scazzero through their research and their own experiences. They present the skills your mother never taught you for dealing with disagreement and everyday irritations. These practical tools have helped me a great deal. Maybe they’ll help you, too.
So, it happened again. Your family member or roommate has pushed your annoyance button. What if you tried saying this?
“I notice that you leave the dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher or washing them. I would prefer that you not leave them in the sink. Could you wash them or put them in the dishwasher, please?”
I know that seems simple, but no one ever taught you to do that, did they?
Here’s another example:
“Could you help me understand why the laundry is not folded when I asked you to do that before you played your game?”
How would you normally handle that? Would it be harsh words? A blow up. Those little sentence stems, “ I notice...I prefer...” and “Can you help me understand...” or “I’m puzzled...” can go a long way to bringing peace into your home. The little annoyances will never go away. It’s part of being a human to have preferences and expectations. But having a way to express them that doesn’t involve explosions, small or large, can make them less aggravating.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It isn’t easy to stop and rethink how you want to say things, but with a pattern like those above, you have a place to start. “I notice...I prefer.” “Can you help me understand why...”
Your relationships matter to God. They are the proving ground for your faith. What you believe about God is expressed in your relationships with others. If you believe that you are responsible for fixing your family, then that comes out in the way that you speak to them. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Just like being still in the middle of a crisis is part of expressing trust that God is on the throne, not trying to fix my family is an expression of my trust that God will take care of them. If I can receive the love of God, then I can give the love of God. I can trust them to Him and express Him to them.
Your relationships matter because you matter. Your words matter because you matter. How you speak to others about the things that annoy you is an opportunity for you to receive and give the love of God.
Are you ready?
Key thought: Your feelings matter because you matter. .
Scripture: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 NIV
A YES challenge: Think of something that a family member does that gets on your nerves. Think of how you could express that using the sentence stems provided, “i notice...I prefer” or “Can you help me understand...” Practice expressing your complaint in a loving and positive way. What would you like them to do instead? Try speaking to them remembering that the results are up to God.
Prayer: Father, this time of increased togetherness has also been a time of more intense annoyance. Being with my loved ones all the time amplifies the things that annoy me. Help me learn to express myself in a way that decreases rather than increases tension. I want to honor You in all things, that includes the way I speak to my family members. Help me to grow in grace. Amen.