When my son was in the fifth grade we made a life-changing decision. This decision may have changed my son’s life, but it most definitely changed mine. Because of some issues at school that weren’t being handled in a way that we felt was helpful to him, we decided to homeschool him for the rest of the year. Yes, it disrupted my routine to bring him home, but that wasn’t the thing that really changed my life. It was something far more significant.
I had home-schooling friends who helped me choose curriculum for reading, writing and arithmetic, but I knew that I also needed to provide instruction in other areas, like health. I stumbled upon a curriculum in the Christian book catalog called All My Feelings Are Okay. The title grabbed me. “Really? ALL my feelings are okay?” I decided to use it for my son’s health education. I was intrigued. No one had ever taught me about emotions and how to process them. What would it be like to teach him? Well, I don’t know if the curriculum helped my son, but I know that it transformed me and how I deal with my own emotions. Are you intrigued?
Here’s what I learned from that year of health homeschooling: Every emotion is a gift from God. I learned that emotions are messages to help me determine what is happening inside me and I need to listen to them. Like lights on the dashboard of my car, I need to pay attention and ask what message those feelings are sending me. One thing that I remember clearly from the curriculum: Feelings aren’t good or bad; they are just feelings. They are meant to be indicators.
The curriculum discussed what the messages connected to my emotions might be. So, I learned to ask myself questions.
When I feel angry: What do I feel was wrong about what happened?
And since anger is usually a surface emotion: What is under my anger?
When I am disappointed: What did I expect that didn’t happen? Was that a reasonable expectation?
When I am afraid: What do I believe is the danger here? Am I really in danger?
When I am sad: What was I hoping for? What have I lost?
That year of homeschooling helped me learn to recognize and read my emotions and then to bring them to God. It transformed my approach to all that I feel. Rather than letting my emotions lead my actions, I learned to let my emotions lead me to God.
Have you learned to read your own “dashboard lights”? Here are a few questions to help you.
What am I afraid of? Is fear being expressed as anger? Or anxiety? Or worry? Fear is the root of anxiety and worry. I don’t know about you, but I have learned that often, when I want to “help” someone, what I really want is to “fix” them, and to fix them is to try to control them. Ugh! I hated learning that! But it helps me to step back and ask myself what it is that I am afraid will happen if I don’t “help.” The bottom line is that all my desires to fix a situation or a person come out of a fear that things won’t turn out the way I think they should.
Do you find yourself having mental conversations with people, convincing them that your way is the best way? Well, I do. And even though outwardly I might say that I am trying to point them to God’s way, I am learning that trust in God means that I let Him do the talking. God is big enough to convince them that His way is best. I don’t need to do it for Him.
Fear is not always about physical danger. It is also a fear of being hurt emotionally or financially. Fear is God’s gift to protect us from being hurt, but if I let it overtake me it can become louder that the faith that God will protect me in the midst of risk. Learning to ask, “What am I afraid of?” has helped me to better evaluate any risk, including relational risk.
What am I sad about? Processing loss is an important part of mental health, but we tend to skip over it. Why? It’s painful! No one wants to be in pain. Our first reaction is always to try to avoid pain. But pain is an indicator that something needs our attention, Untreated symptoms lead to greater pain, whether in the body or in the soul. You wouldn’t ignore your seared skin if you touched a hot pan. You would run it under cool water. If you cut your finger you would stop the bleeding, wash it, treat it with antibiotic, bandage it. You wouldn’t leave it alone and expect it to get better by itself. It needs attention in order to heal properly. The same is true with our emotional pain.
We are in a global time of tremendous loss right now. Even those of us who have not lost a loved one to the COVID-19 virus are aware of the thousands who have, and to some extent, we feel their pain. We all have lost plans, dreams, freedoms, familiarity. Even mundane things like going to the grocery store are totally different. Weddings, graduations, trips, date nights, sports events - all cancelled. Income and jobs, lost. Those are big losses when they are yours. And these pandemic losses are in addition to the normal kinds of losses that frequently invade our lives.
One of the dearest men I have ever had the privilege of knowing died of cancer this week. His family could not be with him and, because of the current restrictions, his family and many friends won’t have the benefit of a funeral to help them grieve. Many of us are experiencing these kinds of losses in addition to those associated with the pandemic.
How are you doing processing your own losses? Taking time to actually feel the pain is difficult, but healthy, as long as we don’t live there. Bringing that pain to God in prayer and allowing Him to help you process through it is the healthiest thing you can do. The only way to properly process loss is through, not over or around.
What am I angry about? Anger is a surface emotion. Usually anger is not the thing. it’s a message that you feel something wrong has happened, very often because you are hurt or afraid. Learn to listen to the messages.
For some people, every emotion explodes as anger. I am not one of those, but I tend toward anger when I feel disrespected or overlooked. The underlying issue there is actually hurt, so I need to step back and ask myself why that hurts and deal with that.
In this current time, I recognize that what angers me is the selfishness of people demanding their “rights.” Why does that make me angry? I have had to ask myself that question. I think it ultimately is a disappointment because I expect people to think about how their actions will affect others. I expect them to be considerate. Is that a realistic expectation? Not really. In the light of humanity’s sinful nature without the transforming power of Christ, selfishness is all I really should expect. I get even more angry when Christians are the ones doing the demanding. Why? I expect them to know better. I expect them to represent the character of Christ. Is that a reasonable expectation? Perhaps, but it’s more realistic to recognize that people are at various levels of Christian maturity. I have to recognize my anger and disappointment in order to lead me to prayer that my brothers and sisters will grow in their relationship with Christ and do a better job of representing Him to the world.
The issue here is my feelings, not their behavior. I have to learn to read and deal with my own emotions and let them lead me to God so that He can help me do a better job of representing Him to the world.
What am I glad about? We often don’t notice the things that really make us glad. Understanding what makes us happy is just as important as understanding what makes us angry. When I recognize the things that make me glad I can choose to engage in activities that bring me happiness or feed my soul. Knowing what makes me glad helps me to be intentional about adding those things to my life.
I have learned that I really enjoy the beauty of nature and a walk on a sunny day. Knowing that helps me to be intentional in adding those things to my routine. I can tend to let tasks rule my schedule. Understanding the value of a walk in nature for my soul has led me to be more intentional about making that a part of my day as often as I can. That has been a really helpful tool in helping me through this quarantine.
Occasionally, I may feel glad about something I shouldn’t feel glad about, like when someone else “gets what’s coming to them.” That gladness is a warning light that I need to pay attention to. Why am I glad about that?! Is there unforgiveness I need to deal with? Gladness is not always a good thing, but, like all my other emotions, it’s okay because it helps me understand myself and leads me to God.
Unfortunately, stopping to read our emotions as indicators is not the way most of us have learned to treat damaged and wounded emotions. We learned to ignore them, distract ourselves, pretend that they don’t really hurt or to just hope they will go away. The truth about emotions is that what we push down will come out somewhere. Like an untreated cut, if you don’t treat your feelings, you will end up with bigger problems. Infection in the form of physical manifestations, illnesses and pains, and ruined relationships.
The key to treating the hurt is to recognize it. The four questions are like an emotional triage. They can help you to assess the problem, read the warning lights. Once you know what is really happening inside, you can develop a treatment plan, but you don’t have to do that on your own. The first step is to bring the feelings you have uncovered to God. He is the healer. You don’t have to figure it out from there. He will guide you and give you the best healing process.
Yes! All your feelings ARE okay! Feelings aren’t good or bad. They are just feelings. Dear friend, let them lead you to God and let Him transform you.
Key thought: Properly processing emotions improves every relationship.
A Scripture to consider: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalms 139:23-24 NIV
A YES challenge: Spend some time asking yourself the four questions in God’s presence. Let the Holy Spirit lead you in understanding how you feel. Consider journaling what you discover. Put those feelings in God’s hands and trust Him to guide you through it.
Prayer: God, it’s scary to actually feel everything I am feeling. I know there is so much under the surface. I am afraid that if I really look at it all, I will be overwhelmed. Help me to remember that I am not doing this alone. You are with me and will guide me in all that I am feeling. I will trust You to take me through it. Amen.