In 1991, Tom and I, and our two children under 3 years old, moved back to New York after two years in Pensacola, Florida. Because we were just waiting for a call from the FAA for Tom to begin training as an air traffic controller, our plan was to live at my parents’ house until he finished training and then move to wherever he was placed. Simple plan. The only wrinkle in the plan was that the U.S. government put a freeze on all hiring so no new air traffic controllers were being trained. There was no call coming from the FAA in the foreseeable future. Time for a new plan.
We ended up living downstairs at Mom and Dad’s for over three years. That was not the resolution I wanted! My heart yearned for a place of my own. For many months there was no personal space at the end of our tunnel. We had one large room divided by furniture in the middle. The kids’ beds and a bathroom were on one side of the furniture wall. The other side was the “living room” with a foldout couch where Tom and I slept. The conditions were not ideal, but not terrible. The biggest problem was inside of me. I just did not want to be there and couldn’t wait to get out!
With no escape in the near future, I knew that something needed to change in me, but I didn’t know what. God gave me opportunities to explore options. Because I didn’t have my own home to maintain, I found myself with more time to fill than a mother of young children often has. Once the kids were in bed for the night, I could read or listen to messages on cassette tape (remember those?!). I searched for an internal resolution. As I discovered Scriptures or quotes that encouraged me, I would write them on index cards and tape them to the back of the door in our one-room basement “home.” The constant viewing was to remind me to make my attitude adjustments.
Of all the cards that I posted during those years there are a few that I still remember. The truths inked in my own handwriting on those 3x5 lined cards changed me and how I respond to life’s challenges. On one of those cards was a simple formula, w=W. Three little characters that still have a big impact on my life.
I found the formula in a book called “The Body” by Charles Colson. In it Colson shares many stories of people living out their faith in difficult situations. One vignette was of a Polish priest named Maximillian Kolbe who taught this truth to the priests living in his monastery after the Nazis took it over. He wrote the formula with chalk on a blackboard and explained that the small w represents my will and the large W represents God’s will. When my will is contrary to Gods will it creates a cross. In order to remove the cross I must submit my will to God’s will. His charge to the priests: “Now all you must do is obey!”
Though I clearly saw the solution to my struggle found in that simple formula, simple does not mean easy! I knew that obeying would enable me to walk through the dark tunnel with peace, but my desires were often screaming loudly and I felt the cross of being at odds with God’s will. It took time, but eventually those inner screams became submitted statements. I still wanted a place of my own, but accepted where I was and was not in constant turmoil.
The day came when it was time to take down my index cards from the back of the door. I think I still have them somewhere, but that small formula I carry with me always. Not on an index card, but it is emblazoned on my brain and my heart. I know that it works, because I’ve experienced it. I also know that it isn’t always that easy to put into practice. There are times when it flashes across my mind and I recognize the cross of my will at odds with God’s will. I know that the answer is simple. All I need do is obey. Easier said than done, but possible.
Dear One, do you recognize that cross in your life today? Would you like to remove it? The formula is simple and clear. It may take some time, but it is possible to walk in peace even if your situation doesn’t change. Don’t give up! Peace is possible. w=W.
